A new beginning
by Magdelope
Summary: Dorothea is taken and confused by the young bard that she has taken in. She needs to send her away before something happened. Femslash, one-shot.


There it is again. That smile. So careful, so hesitant. Like she thinks that smiling is against the rules, like it is going to break her all over again. It is not directed at me, it is directed at the small kitten that is sitting in her lap. But it feels like the smile is a gift to me. My reward for saving and protecting the frail little creature. I want to tell her that it is okay to smile. That no one will hurt her just for smiling.

I wonder if she knows how beautiful she is, smiling to herself and the kitten. For once in her own world, her own protective little bubble. I catch myself looking at the smooth pale skin of her throat or the way the dress I've given her wraps around the gentle and subtle curves. I make myself look away. I'm not supposed to think of her that way. I am a revered mother. She is my little sister at best, daughter at worst. It is wrong. More than wrong.

And yet. I find myself pining for her, dreaming about her. I want that gentle smile directed at me. I want to teach her to trust again. I want to teach her to feel again. I want to soothe each blemish, each scar, build her up with my hands. I want to wash away any traces of hurt from her body, heal her heart and her soul.

But most of all, I want to make her mine.

She looks up, stops smiling when she sees me. Still not ready to trust me with a smile. But her eyes aren't filled with fear and distrust like they were just a week ago. She is getting stronger, thank the maker. Little by little. I smile at her and blinks my eyes.

"I have found a suitable place for you," I say even as my soul shrieks to stop speaking. I don't want to do this.

"A place for me?" She asks. Her accent is so thick. I wonder what they will think of her in Ferelden.

I nod, my fingers are reaching forward but I stop myself. As much as I want to touch that cheek, to soothe or just to feel what it would be like, I can't touch her. It wouldn't be welcome.

"Why can't I stay here?" I had known she would have asked this, but nothing could have prepared me for what to do at the sight of sunset in her blue eyes.

_I need to send you away because very soon my self-control will shatter. And when it does I need you to be far away._

"You need to leave Orlais." It's not that much of a lie afterall. It isn't good for her to stay here even if it isn't the only reason. She looks sad. I want to put my arms around her and comfort her. But Leliana doesn't like to be touched in any way. She doesn't even stand the elven maids being in the same room as her when she takes a bath.

"When will I be leaving?" She asks then. It hurts my heart to see. She doesn't even argue, or ask if there is another way. It is testament of the life she has led, a life of very little control. Things have always just happened to her. She has never had a choice.

_Ask me if you can stay. I'm easily convinced. Anything to keep your presence here for a little bit longer, oh Leliana. _

"Soon," I say, but then I can't help myself. I want to give her something, no matter how little. "When do you want to go?"

"I… I can choose?" She looks so surprised, her sweet mouth slightly open. I want to kiss it. She lowers her eyelids, calculates. Maybe she is wondering what the catch is. _Oh little sweetheart. There is no catch. _I expect her to say "in a week", "in a month", maybe test my limits and say "next year". Instead the next words that come out of her mouth make sweat break out on my palms and my easy smile falter.

"Can I leave tonight?"

"If that is what you wish…" _Why? _

"I don't like the temporary," she says, "if I really need to leave I want to do it as soon as possible." She looks up at me through her eyelashes. It's the look of a seductress and my heart beats in my mouth. She means nothing by it, she is just who is she is and yet I am who I am and I am so smitten I'm not sure if I'm going to manage through the night if she really does leave.

"If that is okay?" She asks.

"Of course it is, my dear girl," I say, "anything you want."

She kisses my cheek before I leave her to her solitude again. A small kiss of gratitude or maybe friendship. It's electric and my breath catches in my throat. In my head, Leliana isn't hurt and I'm not old and we are together in a way that is definitely not approved by the chantry. But when I open my eyes, her gaze is elsewhere and she goes back to her seat. Picks up the kitten.

I leave like the dismissed servant I am.

* * *

><p>I have ideas about a similar one-shot from Leliana's p.o.v. Might write it sometime.<p> 


End file.
